We have to give up the wish
that our loved ones understand us merely because they love us. If
we don't tell people what we want, we can't expect to get it. If
we don't tell people how we feel, we can't expect them to understand
us. We have to learn to speak in direct, unambiguous language, and
we have to learn to match what we say with how we say it. We also
have to be responsible for listening carefully to what others say
to us. If we don't understand, we have to ask for clarification.
Remember that we depressives
tend to give up too easily. We withdraw from conversation when it
seems that we can't get our point across. We feel tongue-tied and
exasperated. We retreat into feeling misunderstood, put-upon and
self-righteous. Instead, try slowing down. Focus on your feelings
and express your feelings as I-statements. Ask the other person
for their help in making yourself understood; can they ask questions?
We have to learn the power
of metacommunication, of talking about how we're talking. Do I understand
you correctly? Am I making myself clear? You seem to be giving me
mixed messages, and I don't know how to respond. I'm getting upset,
and I'd like to calm down before we go on with this conversation.
We tend to think communication is just about the subject of the
conversation; on the contrary, all communication is about the relationship
between the parties involved. Being direct and open shows respect
and caring, and invites the same treatment in return.