A man and a woman both stumble
over a table in a dark room. The woman says "Oh, how clumsy of me."
The man says "Who put that table there?" A little story to illustrate
the generalization that women internalize and men externalize. While
the sexual revolution isn't over yet, at the end of the century
the genders are still acculturated differently. Shown a picture
of a crying baby and told that it's a girl, people say "Awww, she's
so sad." Told that it's a boy, they say, "Oooh, he's angry."
So is it any wonder that men
and women experience depression differently? Depression affects
twenty percent of the population, but it's much more commonly diagnosed
in women. Women are taught to internalize; when something goes wrong,
it's their fault. Men externalize; it's someone else's fault.
Depression in men is much more
likely to be expressed through action than feeling. In fact, a lot
of male jerk-like behavior is a way of coping with the fears and
insecurities that women experience as depression. Ghetto kids who
are willing to throw their lives away if they feel disrespected
aren't that different from the arrogant driver in the Lexus who
acts like he owns the road. Guys who get their macho swagger from
alcohol or drugs who fall apart when they can't get their substance-of-choice.
Wife-beaters — what an expression of self-loathing, to beat
up the one person in your life who's committed to you. And of course,
the boss who needs to exert power to make himself feel good. The
rest of us would all be a lot better off if these guys would just
feel their depression instead of making us feel it. So would they,
because these life styles inevitably lead to loneliness, emptiness,
and self-destruction.
So here's my suggestion for
all the men listening who have enough self-awareness to know that
they're making people they love miserable; who fear that their spouses
or their employees see through the swagger and are laughing behind
their backs. Go get some help. What you're dealing with is as common
as the common cold. Every macho guy has his share of insecurity
and self-doubt; it's the mature ones who face it directly.