Enjoying ourselves is a skill
that can be learned. Many of us are uncomfortable with happiness.
When occasionally we stumble on it, it scares us. We have to approach
it with care.
One way to get used to enjoying
ourselves is to work on feeling proud. This is an uncomfortable
feeling, but one we can get used to with practice. Take a few minutes
each day and jot down in a notebook a list of three things you've
done that you feel good about. These may be things you thought you
couldn't do, or difficult tasks you had to force yourself to do,
or just spontaneous acts of generosity or intimacy. After a week,
look through the notebook at all the things you can feel good about.
If you start to feel a little proud of yourself, you will probably
be a little uncomfortable with that feeling. Never mind all the
theorizing about why it's hard for you to feel proud; just ride
out the discomfort for a few minutes. You'll see that the discomfort
soon recedes a little. With practice, before long you may start
feeling pretty good about yourself.
Another way is to pay attention
to small pleasures. Most people are not good at being "in the moment"
— instead of paying attention to what's actually going on around
us, we're worried about what's going to happen next, or feeling
bad about what happened before. We can change this habit too. Cultivate
a better awareness of how your mind takes you away from the present;
when you notice it, bring yourself back. Pay more attention to your
senses than your thoughts. Attend to the taste of your food, the
sounds in the evening with the TV off, the colors in the rooms you
live in. Do what you can to make things more pleasant for yourself.
Find opportunities for flow,
the experiences that take us out of our temporal consciousness.
Practice activities that are a mild challenge, that occupy our minds
and bodies, that require a high degree of concentration, that have
clear rules and prompt feedback. Practice concentration, making
a deliberate effort to focus your attention on the task at hand.
Forget yourself, lose the observing eye that is always evaluating
you critically. Even at work, even if you hate your job, you will
like yourself better if you find ways to make it challenging and
stimulating. If this means you work harder and the boss will be
pleased with you, that's just a risk you've got to take.
Learn to relax. Take a course
in yoga, or t'ai chi. Take care of your body, and learn to listen
to it. Eat healthy but delicious meals. When we neglect or abuse
our bodies, we're only being passive aggressive with ourselves.
We're treating ourselves as if we're unworthy of love. Unless we
treat ourselves with care and respect, we can't hope for joy.