Pride is what we're supposed
to feel when we've accomplished something but for many of us it's
an uncomfortable emotion, something we want to dismiss from consciousness
as soon as possible. This is partly because of our inherent perfectionism.
We rarely feel that anything we've done measures up to our own
standards. Even so, there are times when we do accomplish something
that is objectively worthwhile. Do we allow ourselves to feel
good about it? Not usually, and not for long.
One reason why we don't allow
ourselves to experience these pleasurable feelings is our wish
to remain in control at all times. Intense feelings of any kind
are destabilizing; we start to worry that we will keep on inflating
with good feeling till we pop like a balloon, or float off into
the stratosphere never to be seen again. Another is that we may
fear retribution; we've been conditioned to expect that something
bad inevitably follows something good, so we'd better not let
ourselves feel too good. Better to feel numb or neutral than to
feel the crashing disappointment we fear will follow good feelings.
Feelings like joy or pride can evoke painful memories of past
disappointments.
When we're depressed we assume
that everyone else is happy most of the time, and that there is
something wrong with us for not feeling the same way. On the contrary,
there is good reason to believe that the normal state of the human
mind is one of mild anxiety. Most people, when asked to think
of nothing, or put in situations where external stimuli are limited,
begin to worry. Thoughts come unbidden into their minds that remind
them of things they have to do, old sins, old guilts, current
conflicts and problems that have to be resolved. Without something
to focus on, the mind experiences chaos.
But the important implication
is that pride, joy, and happiness, instead of being normal states
that we don't experience because something is wrong with us, are
qualities that must be cultivated. We need to practice feeling
good. When we feel happy, we need to express those feelings to
others. When we feel proud, we need to let ourselves sustain the
emotion. We will find that we don't explode or float away; on
the contrary, we can trust that the mind's normal anxiety will
eventually reassert itself without any effort on our part. We
will have to face the painful feelings, the old disappointments
that get stirred up when good things happen, but every time we
do so we accomplish a little more of our grief work: we grow stronger,
and the old hurts have less power over us because they diminish
in proportion to new, reparative experiences.